Hercules In My Bag
by Ceridwen
Summary: There is a Gathering of Herculeans and Iolausians in Wales and a present for the host needs to be found.


_**DISCLAIMER: **__This story is as true as I want it to be._

The blue trousers weren't that bad actually. But then again, I wouldn't have a jacket to go with them.

A long sigh seemed to come from the bottom of my tortured soul. I always do that. Buying trousers without the jacket and afterwards, I get upset and never wear them. I should have learned my lesson by now and just walk away from them. Maybe if I just have a nice blouse or a T-shirt? Then I could just …

"Psst"

I turned my head and tried to work out where that noise had come from. The shops around me were busy with people taking advantage of the Mid-Season sales.

"Pssst! Yes, you! It's you! I thought I'd recognized you!"

"Hercules?" I asked in amazement as I spotted the figure of a tall, muscular man standing outside the movie memorabilia shop, holding a raised sword in both hands. It was indeed the famous Son of Zeus. The tall demi-god smiled at me as he gripped the sword in his hand firmer.

"Yes, it's me. I can't believe I see you. You've got to get me out of here!"

I smiled gently. "Why?" I asked. "This is a cinema memorabilia shop and you are a - a ... a ... " I wasn't sure if this would offend him. "A stand-up poster!"

Hercules motioned across to the other side of the entrance door. "They hate me!" Hercules said dryly.

I looked over at the figures of two teenagers in jeans and sloppy T-Shirts standing on the other side of the door. "Beavis and Butthead hate you?" I asked in amazement.

Hercules nodded. "The blond one keeps asking me if I scored and the small one keeps calling himself Cornholio and wants Tipi for his ..."

"I get the idea!" I interrupted him quickly.

Then Hercules looked over his shoulder. "And this guy looks quiet dangerous to me, too! Especially in that outfit"

I followed his gaze and laughed. "Hercules, this is Superman. You two should get along well. You're both heroes!" I giggled. "Fair enough, he can fly and needs a phone box to change, but you both are famous heroes. Incredible strength, modesty and shy with women."

Hercules' eyes narrowed. "Superman?" he asked doubtfully. "Never heard of him."

I shrugged my shoulders. "He's from the planet Krypton and his parents send him in a space ship to Earth after their planted was ..." I stopped myself as I saw Hercules eyes stare at me in concern. "It's a long story." I just finished off. "Anyways. I better be off. Take care, Hercules! Nice seeing you around!"

"Please, no, Ceridwen! Take me with you!"

I stopped and looked back at the tall demi-god. "Hercules I can't. I ..."

But his eyes pleaded. I thought for a moment. I'm not really a Herculean. In fact I had hundreds of reasons to leave Hercules right there where he was. The reasons started with 'Gladiator" and ended with "Reunions". But there was something about him. He was tall, just as tall as Guillaume and even from this distance I could see every detail of his face and his body. The light-coloured tunic and those waffle-pattern breeches. This was Hercules, Son of Zeus and best friend of Iolaus. He'd changed Iolaus' live and for that I owed him, too.

And I still needed a present for Sorbutt to take along to Llandudno 2/99. This would be the perfect present and I started to feel like a slave trader.

"Okay, Hercules." I said. "I see what I can do."

I walked inside the shop. "Hiya" I greeted the shop assistant.

"Can I help you?"

I smiled. "Sure. See you're got this Hercules standee thingie outside the shop and I was wondering if it might not be for sale?"

"No" came the answer and the guy continued to unpack Buffy figures.

Angel ...

"Are you sure?" I asked again, flattering seductively with my eyebrows.

"Yes."

It didn't work. He must be gay, so this required harder measures. But I'd cracked tougher nuts than this Essex boy.

"Can I see the Manager, please?" I asked casually and was surprised at how firm my voice came I got the guy's attention.

"Sure." he said and put Angel back in the box.

As the sales assistant walked to the back of the shop, my mind raced. What am I going to tell him? I was from the 'Make A Wish Foundation' and needed the standee for a poor little girl? No, no – bad, horrible idea. How about my best friend invited us all to Wales and she's nuts about Kevin Sorbo? So nuts, she calls herself Sorbutt, fantasizing about his muscular body!!

"Can I help you?" a voice asked, pulling be roughly out of my thoughts.

"Yes, I made a wish for Kevin Sorbo's butt!" I said and gulped.

Get a grip, Ceridwen.

"No, I mean I'm nuts about his muscular body."

What was I talking about??

The manager stared at me like I was some sort of lunatic and I couldn't blame him.

"Are you a fan then?"

I stared at him and every fibre in my body screamed "Iolaus!"

"Yes." I said and my eyes sank shamefully to the ground. Iolaus – forgive me.

"Okay, well, let's see what we can do here." The manager opened a sales catalogue and pointed at a figure behind an order code.

I swallowed hard as I tried to count the amount of zeroes in front and behind the comma. I stared back at Hercules who threw me an encouraged smile. My eyes found his gauntlets. Nope didn't look like rubies to me and it certainly wasn't pure gold either. The price was simply outrageous. I decided to play hard-to-get.

"I'll think about it!" I said snobbish and walked slowly out of the door, giving him the chance to reconsider, to lower the price to a pathetic sum or even giving it to me for free just to see my beautiful smile light up my features. But nothing came.

I walked through the door and caught Hercules' fearful eyes."Listen, Hercules. I'd love to help you, but if I'm honest, I don't know. It's a lot of money for – well – for what you are. Now, if you were Iolaus ..."

Hercules sighed heavily. "I know, I'm not him, but can you believe that he would want me to stand around ... here ... like this?"

My eyes sunk to the ground. "No, he wouldn't want that."

Hercules smiled. I thought for a moment and then shook my head resolutely.

"No Hercules, I'm sorry. I've already got Iolaus in my cupboard. If I bring anymore of you guys into my house, my boyfriend will go ballistic!"

"Don't leave me here!" Hercules called desperately as I started to walk away. "Please! Sorbutt would love me! I'd make her happy! I'd do anything for her!"

But I was resolute. The price was outrageous and the inclination that I was a Herculean ... Out of the question. I was an Iolausian and proud of it and if it meant to walk away from the son of Zeus, then so be it. This will teach him for everything he ever did to my beloved hunter! Hercules was certainly tall and quiet amazing looking and he was right. Iolaus wouldn't want his best friend to end up like this. Could I go back home and face Iolaus after what I'd done to his friend? I could never again ... Oh ...Humm ... Haagen Dasz ice cream!

I looked from one side of the shopping mall to the other, where I'd spotted the ice cream store. The decision was a tough one –

Dasz or Hercules?

Sorbet or Sorbo?

Danish Cream or Demi-God?

In front of my eyes, the image of a blond muscular man appeared.

"Ceridwen" Iolaus whispered, holding a chocolate cookie in his hand. "Hercules is my best friend. You've given me shelter when I needed it. How can you do less for the man who is my best friend? You have a good and honest heart. Please."

I looked lovingly at the image of the hunter. "But Iolaus, what am I going to do with him? I have no more space and Guillaume is already .."

Iolaus' cerrulean eyes pierced my heart.

"Okay, okay!" I gave in. "Sorbutt will be happy. I'll go back in and buy him! But he owes me an ice cream!"

I turned my back at the place of Danish delight and walked back into the memorabilia shop. I'm from the Middle East and it was time to reclaim my heritage. The manger still stood at the counter as I walked inside.

"Can we haggle?" I asked firmly and pointed at Hercules. "Because if I look at him, I want to vomit."

The Manager followed my finger at the standee. Hercules' mouth opened in protest, but my threatening expression closed it again.

"I don't understand." the shop manager said.

"Well," I started. "This piece isn't for me. It would be for a - dedicated collector from outside of this country." I suppressed a chuckle.

Well, with all the motions towards Devolution and Independence, Wales might already have their own passports to issue.

"As I'm informed, that person is on intimate terms with Kevin and intends to surprise a few friends at a party." I crossed my arms in front of my chest. "How do you think Mr. Sorbo is going to react if he finds out what price outrage you have in your shop here? Especially when the standee is less than perfect, full of stains and rips and misses half of the additional features?"

"What additional ...?"

"He won't be happy, I can tell you!"

The manager exchanged looks with his assistant and reached for a pen. After scribbling over the original figure he looked at me.

"How would that be?" he asked carefully.

I looked down at the paper and reached into my handbag."I don't know." I said doubtfully and pulled out my mobile phone. "I will ask."

I dialled Cat's number.

"Hello?"

"Hi, it's me!" I whispered and walked outside and out of reach of the shop's ears.

"Guess what *I* found as a present for Sorbutt next week!"

I filled her in on the details and all I could hear on the other end where noises which compared to an excited baby seal.

"So shall I go for it then?" I asked and got the go-ahead in between more seal impressions.

I walked back into the shop and extended my hand. "Gentlemen," I said ceremoniously. "We have a deal."

As the shop assistant swiped my card through the machine, another started to wrap Hercules into a large plastic bag. I flinched slightly as the demi-god was folded in half, but his expression showed no pain. Just a wide, content grin.

"Psst!"

I looked down at Hercules in the bag, but he just shook his head.

"Psst! Over here!"

I turned my head and spotted Xena standing in the far corner of the shop.

"What do you want?" I asked Warrior Princess cleared her voice carefully.

"Well, I was just wondering if you could maybe ..."

"I don't think so!" I said and threw her a disgusted look. "All I can say to you is "Warrior Princess"! So don't talk to me!"

I signed my receipt, took hold of Hercules and smiled.

"See you around, Xena!" I said, as I walked out.

**The End**


End file.
